Poker Articles

The Poker Zoo
By Tommy Angelo

"How could you cold-call three bets before the flop with 8-5?" asks the Whiny Rhino.

"First off," begins the Bumbling Bee, "I was suited. Second, with all you high-card players already in, I figured my cards were live. And third, have you noticed how often two fives have been flopping lately?"

The Whiny Rhino retorts, "You are dumber than the mud in my swimming pool. The next time that we hold the poker game at my place, I'm gonna serve chocolate-covered bees - with honey!"

The Hapless Horse trots in, "Puh-leeze! Enough with the lessons and menus already."

The Kind Koala attempts peace, "Each of us can play as we please."

"My philosophy exactly," adds the Bumbling Bee."

The harmless bickering subsides when the Fearless Fox turns to the Bumbling Bee, "It's your deal."

The weekly game at the Poker Zoo is in full swing. The structure is like the play - loose.

The players have an acronym for their dealer's-choice game: HORSEDROPPING. This stands for Hold'em, Omaha, Razz, Stud, Eight-or-better, Draw, Redraw, One card (hold'em or draw), Pineapple, Pass the trash, Inverse Hold'em, and No Peek.

The meaning of the final "G" is unknown. The Fearless Fox insists it stands for "Guts," a three-card, do-or-die game only he has the nerve to call. The Bumbling Bee says the final "G" is a wild-card letter, representing all other games ever played or yet to be invented.

The Hapless Horse threatened to crap on anyone who ever brought it up again. And so it was settled.

She Plays

The Bumbling Bee gathers the cards and pauses to invent a game that will make good use of the fives. The practiced chorus wastes no time disrupting her.

"Sheesh. Do we have to go through this every round?" pleads the Whiny Rhino.

"This really bugs me," says the Hapless Horse. "Hurry up and call a game."

"Hey!" snaps the Bumbling Bee. "You guys best not forget that I've got 10,000 stinging sisters."

"It's okay, take your time," says the Kind Koala. "So … what was the game again?"

The Bumbling Bee sits up, center stage. "Okay. Everybody put in a buck. This game is called "Fives Give You Hives." Each player grudgingly slides a clam into the new pot, tolerating the Bumbling Bee's creative moment.

She continues, "It'll be five-card draw, high-low, chip-declare, with three draws."

Then she adds, "Deuces are wild, but you can only make them into fives or aces. At the end, anyone with three fives wins the whole pot."

The Hapless Horse and the Whiny Rhino erupt, shouting the usual complaints and insults. Through the din they hear the Fearless Fox speaking in normal tone, so everyone quickly quiets to listen. "A most imaginative game, no doubt, but hardly workable, since the wild-card situation could get tangled with the peculiar rule concerning the fives, and . . . "

They nod in agreement before the Fearless Fox can finish, having been trained to trust his guidance in times like this. The Bumbling Bee expected the veto. Flustered and annoyed, she gives in and mumbles, "Okay. Forget the part about three fives being an auto-winner. The game will be five-card, triple-draw, high-low, deuces-wild, chip-declare."

She is not at all surprised to pick up this hand: 5(h) 5(s) 5(c) 9(d) J(h).

The first round action is typical. Somebody bets, someone else raises, and everyone is in.

The Bumbling Bee keeps the three fives and draws two cards, hoping to make quads or quints. She knows how to get the maximum value from a poker hand - by relishing anticipation. A slow peek, and this time she is surprised, as her hand is now: 5(h) 5(s) A(h) 3(h).

She accidentally threw away three cards and drew only two! Oh my! The rule at the Poker Zoo is that playing with too few cards is allowed, even encouraged. When this happens in draw games, players must bring attention to the error, then restore their hand to the five cards when they redraw.

After typical betting, when the draw comes to her, the Bumbling Bee reveals her error. All nod in condoning approval while the Whiny Rhino and the Hapless Horse exchange a smirk.

The butterflies in her thorax fly away when she sees that her new course is clear, and not so bad after all. The Bumbling Bee carefully discards the 5A and draws two cards, keeping A(h) 3(h) 5(h).

The cherished moment arrives again. This time the slow peek brings delight as she finds her hand not only rectified, but reborn! She now holds:

A(h) 3(h) 4(h) 5(h) 10(s).

Buzzing with excitement, the Bumbling Bee is oblivious to the betting and drawing. On the final draw she throws away the 10ª and catches the 2(c).

"Okay," she thinks, "I didn't draw the 2(h) as hoped, but I can't rightly complain after the way this hand started out. Since a small straight almost never wins high, I'll declare low."

The chip-declare procedure is "None for low, one for high, two for both ways." The players take two chips below the table, then produce one appendage above the table containing none, one, or two chips. They simultaneously reveal their high/low/both-way intentions. Then the cards are shown down and the winner(s) determined.

The Bumbling Bee somehow manages to get mixed up. She accidentally shows two chips instead of none! She declares both ways! Oh my! Surely someone would beat her tiny straight for high. Surely they would retell this blunder for weeks, laughing every time. The butterflies are back.

Custom requires a both-way hand to showdown first. Her discomfort is obvious, even before she says; "I goofed." She shows her hand.

A(h) 2(c) 3(h) 4(h) 5(h)

A silent hesitation. Eight darting eyes. The Bumbling Bee senses something is wrong, which means something is right, since nothing else could possibly go wrong.

Then she remembers. Deuces are wild! She has a straight-flush wheel - the best possible high-low hand. And she unintentionally declared both ways! Oh my indeed!

"Well blow my horn!" scoffs the Whiny Rhino. "Even with your compound eyes, you still compounded your errors. First you drew wrong, then you declared wrong, and then you took down the whole pot? If only I was an insectivore, I'd …"

"I knew that silly game would cost me," says the Hapless Horse.

"Nicely played," says the Kind Koala.

She Speaks

The Fearless Fox watches the commotion, amused, and decides to stoke the fire. He knows the Bumbling Bee isn't much of a poker player, but she is wise in other ways.

"We would do well to learn something from her," he says.

"Say what?" they all say, without actually saying anything.

The Fearless Fox turns to the Bumbling Bee and says, "For once, why don't you tell us what you think."

Fueled with chatter-chips, the Bumbling Bee accepts this unprecedented invitation to get a piece of her mind off her chest.

She boldly states, "Each of us plays exactly the same way. At our turn, we make whatever decision we please."

Her inhibitions go down as their eyebrows go up.

She continues, "While you make fun of me, ask yourself this question: Do I not choose to check or bet, to raise, call or fold, just as you do? We may differ in upbringing and lifestyle and anatomy, but when it comes to poker we are exactly equal.

"To judge another player's bet as a 'mistake' is absurd, since we are only qualified to judge only ourselves, by our own standards. Should I call it a 'mistake' for horses to eat hay, since I do not eat hay? Should I say a dolphin's dance is a 'mistake,' simply because it differs from the bee's dance? Of course not."

She flies into the face of the Whiny Rhino. "Why do you charge at me? Because it is your nature to do so."

Then to the Hapless Horse, "Why do you look down at me as if perched in your own saddle? Because that is your way."

"Do I judge your abusive, intrusive behavior by my socially indoctrinated standards? No, since I understand and accept your nature. Within your self-righteous ethics it is proper to presume yourself better than me. So be it.

"Too bad you do not have stingers, or you would be more kind, since the cost of stinging me would be your own death.

"Speaking of kind, look at the Kind Koala. Here is a creature that views himself no better or worse than anyone else. Some would judge that a weakness. Some would judge it admirable. Therein lies the folly of judging inherent qualities."

The Whiny Rhino and the Hapless Horse are reduced to a glazed gaze. They hear, but they don't really listen.

Previous Article | Article Listing | Next Article

---

About the Author:

Tommy Angelo has written a book called "Elements of Poker" in which he shares hundreds of his very best ideas in a manner intended to amuse, inform, inspire, and enlighten. You can read many excerpts from EOP at Tommy's website: www.tommyangelo.com. And you can order personally inscribed copies there. Elements of Poker is also available at amazon.com.

Comments? Please post them in our Poker Forum.