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President Bush abruptly excuses himself from emergency White House  briefing on chemical and nuclear weapons to give thanks for Internet  gambling ban.

Congress Votes to Ban Internet Gambling: President Bush Expected to Sign Bill into Law

(UPI) WASHINGTON -- After months of intense political debate cutting across party lines, the U.S. House of Representatives on Thursday finally passed the "Internet Gambling Prohibition Act" by a roll-call vote of 237-198. President George W. Bush is expected to sign the bill into law sometime early next week.

The bill makes it a federal crime to place any wager over the Internet. According to estimates, up to nine million Americans gamble from their personal computers every day. This includes a wide range of gambling activities -- including poker playing, sports betting, and popular casino games such as blackjack and roulette. If approved by the President, anyone convicted of gambling online could face the death penalty.

"We are absolutely thrilled with this victory," said Rep. Bob Stuckey (R-FL) one of the bill's co-sponsors. "It's a victory for America's families. Prohibition worked so well the last time it was instituted in our great land. I don't know why it took so long for us to finally ban this latest evil called Internet gambling."

Other legislators agreed with Rep. Stuckey's remarks.

"We (Republicans) used to be the party of less government," said Sen. James Roach (R-KY). "But Ronald Reagan had it all wrong when he suggested that we get the government out of peoples' lives. What we really need is more government, more laws, and more power in Washington for federal authorities and bureaucrats."

Attorney General John Ashcroft was also pleased by the congressional initiative. "Making it more difficult to play poker online will help combat international terrorism," Ashcroft said at his weekly press conference at the Department of Justice. "These gambling websites are being used to fund state-sponsored terrorism. Every time you make a semi-bluff on a flush draw, you're helping to finance a nuclear device for Osama bin Laden."

When a reporter in the crowd queried Ashcroft for one single-shred of evidence that online gambling has ever been linked to any act of terrorism, Ashcroft stared blankly back at the reporter, glanced towards several legal assistants who threw their hands up in confusion, and began awkwardly shuffling his notes back and forth. He then looked down to the floor from the podium. Unable to come up with an answer to the reporter's question, Ashcroft mumbled something about being late for a fish-fry at a local church, and made a hurried exit out a side door.

As reporters joined the chorus calling for some clarification on the issue, Assistant Attorney General Randall D. Trist immediately tried to intervene, hopeful he could be the one to establish the seemingly hopeless link between on-line gambling and threats to national security. "We in law enforcement don't have nearly enough to do at the moment," Trist remarked. "We have 1.4 million people flowing into the country daily, 878,329 vehicles streaming across our borders, 57,230 ships and vessels docking into our ports, and eight million undocumented residents from 146 different countries, not to mention 116,043 acts of violence committed every single day in our nation. We really need this law so federal authorities can put a stop to domestic terrorism."

Religious leaders were also ecstatic with the decision. Rev. Pat Robson, President of "Focus on the Family," a Vienna, VA-based religious advocacy group that enjoys tax-free status and pays Robson well over six-figures a year to pulverize his narrow view of the world onto others, called the Internet gambling ban "an important first step."

"We're not stopping here, oh heavens, no!" Robson warned. "The government needs us to tell normal law-abiding citizens how to live their lives and how spend their discretionary income. People can't be trusted to think for themselves. That's why they pick someone like me to interpret everything for them." During the five-minute telephone interview, sheep could be heard rustling in the background. "Baaaaaaah, baaaaaah," at least one voice said. It was unclear whether the voice was that of an actual sheep, or one of Robson's thousands of followers.

Opponents of the Internet gambling ban came up on the short end of the vote, despite a last-ditch lobbying effort by the leaders of Costa Rica, Cayman Islands, Barbados, Aruba, and the Dominican Republic. "Me think gambling vedy, vedy good." said Aruba's Premier, Gustave Anquizoa. "Mucho Dinero por favor," they chanted in unison when asked why they made the trek to Washington. "Yobs," Anquizoa piped when asked about the benefits of Internet gambling. But in the end, their efforts to sway the vote failed. When the heads of state went on a joint mission up and down the halls of Congress to tell their side of the story, they were often met with confused stares and shut doors. "Hell, I thought they were the cleaning crew," said Cal Remnick, a Legislative Assistant to Rep. Ron Saul (R-TX).

The Internet gambling ban also enjoyed the strong support of business and community leaders in Brooklyn, NY, South Philadelphia, PA, and East Cicero, IL. "It's about freakin' time 'dem stupid pigeons down in Washington wised up," said Anthony "Fat Tony" Genovese speaking from the Ravenite Social Club in Astoria-Queens. "All da' five major families, we was having a really rough time and all with the illegal bookmaking and the loansharking in our neighborhoods, with us having to compete with 'dem offshore operators. Now, we can control tings again, like back in the good ole' days when we used to."

"See, I told you this bill would be good for America's families," Rep. Bob Stuckey said, when informed of "Fat Tony" Genovese's remarks.

When told of the results of the congressional vote, President Bush cut short a top secret briefing by the Joint Chiefs of Staff on the subject of chemical and biological weapons proliferation, in order to attend the local Baptist Church on 18th Street, in order to thank God personally. His holiness was unavailable for comment. However, according to witnesses, the Heavenly Father was heard to mutter to himself, "Holy (expletive deleted), what have those earthy beings done in my name, this time?"

Nolan Dalla can be reached at: nolandalla@pokerpages.com