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Online Poker Bad Beats: 'It's All Just a Prank,' God Admits
By Nolan Dalla
(All Rights Reserved)

His Holiness takes questions from reporters in Rio de Janeiro about online poker

(UPI) RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL -- Faced with mounting pressure to explain why he allows floods, fires, hurricanes, wars, cancer, and the very worst of all human catastrophes -- bad beats at the poker table, God finally came clean in his Press Conference of the Millennium held on Tuesday afternoon at the Maracana Stadium, a 190,000-seat soccer arena in downtown Rio de Janeiro.

Not since April 15, 1003 A.D. has God fielded questions publicly from the universal press. Thousands of reporters attended the 1 hour, 45-minute question and answer session which was broadcast to every corner of the globe. The last time God made a physical manifestation on earth, the Holy Man was grilled by the news media about the Dark Ages, Crusades, the outset of the Bubonic Plague, and global chaos. That press conference had to be cut short when Mongols enlisted in the Teamsters Union burned down the city of Gazientep and stormed out in protest.

But on this occasion, the proceedings were much more orderly. Speaking to the large flock of reporters packing the stadium, God finally answered nagging questions relating to online poker games and his presumed control over the forces of nature. Putting aside questions that have puzzled the world's leading scholars for centuries -- such as the true meaning of life and Man's role in the universe -- what everyone really wanted to find out was God's opinion's about online poker.

After the Rio Press Conference, the Heavenly Father stopped by Binion's Horseshoe in Las Vegas and played a little pot-limit hold'em (he seemed to do pretty good in the game).

"Okay, I have a little confession to make," God said as a quiet hush suddenly fell over the crowd. "About five years ago, we were all sitting up there in Rec. Room #4 watching the live satellite feed of what's happening down here on earth. When we all watched some poor soul in Naperville, IL take the worst beat imaginable in an online poker game, the laughter in the room became uncontrollable. That's when it hit me. We could have a little fun and turn online poker into our little hobby. It's all just a prank -- kind of like with voodoo dolls. Now, it's completely gotten out of control. We just go bonkers."

God continued to justify the mental cruelty cast upon his earthly subjects. "Try and understand my position," he asked. "We get tired of smelling flowers, washing loincloths, and singing hymnals all the time. The truth is -- it gets pretty boring after a while. So, what's the harm in stirring things up a little for our brothers and sisters down here on earth so we can all get a good laugh?" When pressed for specifics, God expounded upon his remarks. He told stories of horrible poker players catching miracle one-outers, hitting double-gut shot draws, and raking-in monster-sized pots with the most outlandish hands against more seasoned poker pros. "I mean the whole place just goes insane. Just the other day, we had to give Saint Peter 800 milligrams of chlordiazepoxide just to calm him down he was laughing so hard."

Saint Peter agreed. "I couldn't help it. I had to pop a few downers. When I saw Ed Hill of Las Vegas get this third set cracked in like 15 minutes at Big.casinopoker.com, I fell off the sofa laughing hysterically. When poor Mr. Hill lost that $870 pot and threw his mouse against the brick wall shattering it into a million pieces, I nearly lost it. Mother Theresa was sitting in the row right behind me and she nearly had a seizure."

Such scenes in Heaven appear to be typical according to many witnesses. Mother Theresa came forward and offered her own personal spin trying to justify the heavenly merriment. Speaking through a translator, she said: "Hey, I fed the poor and lived like a pauper on earth for 87 miserable years. It's about damn time I got a few perks!"

Next, God took back the microphone and continued with questioning. "I haven't had this much fun since I did that neat parlor trick with the Red Sea and Moses thousands of years ago. When the salty waters came crashing down over the legions of Roman soldiers standing in those chariots, there was so much celebrating in the Pearly Gate Room that we had to call Security. I think Pope Clement XVI was 86'ed after that incident."

God went on to point out that video rentals of the online poker "bad beats" are among the most popular products in the Heavenly Kingdom Library. "We used to get a kick out of watching the poker pros at the big tournaments go ballistic after taking a bad beat. But the things people do in the privacy of their own homes is stupefying. Don't quote me on this, but Online Poker Bad Beats has replaced When Animals Attack as the most popular show in the heavenly kingdom."

Not everyone agrees with God's perspective. At least one noted psychologist thinks God's mind games with online poker players are the result of misdirected angst. Dr. Arthur Reber, a Professor of Psychology at New York University, and the author of national bestseller, God Does Play Dice with the Universe, said although it was perfectly understandable why God screws with people's minds sometimes, he is picking on the wrong set of people.

"He is playing out his fantasies," Dr. Reber stated. "God is under lots of pressure right now with six billion people clamoring for his blessing. He needs this diversion. Still, I don't agree with his decision to wreck the lives of online poker players. Why he picked online poker players as his main target and not ruthless dictators or rap artists is totally beyond my comprehension."

Following the press conference, God's comments drew mixed reviews. Sippy Collins, sitting in his underwear in front of his home computer in North Carolina, wasn't impressed. "I don't care what God says, I still think it's rigged by the offshore operators," Collins insisted. When questioned further about why he still plays online given his suspicions, Collins was quick to justify his activities.

"Hey, what else am I supposed to do here in poker hell -- North Carolina? Online poker is the only game in town."

Just before getting on a plane for Las Vegas, God closed the Press Conference by announcing that anyone on earth who dies between now and next Wednesday night can still get a reserved seat in one of the viewing rooms tuned to watch the next series of online poker bloopers.

"If anyone's going to kick the bucket between now and then, I strongly suggest doing it sooner rather than later," God said. "Otherwise, the only seats left in the view rooms will be in general admission up in the nosebleed section."

Nolan Dalla can be reached at: nolandalla@pokerpages.com