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Down and Out in Gardena: Confessions of a Broke Railbird
By Nolan Dalla
(All Rights Reserved)

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ralph Grubb. He's a 52-year-old railbird who's fallen on hard times recently. Grubb lost his job about six months ago and has since been hanging out daily at the local cardroom, looking for a stake to get back into a game. He graciously agreed to share his outlook on poker and his philosophy on life with Poker Pages readers.

Ralph Grubb is desperately low on chips again, and will soon be back on the rail where he belongs

NOLAN DALLA: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to be interviewed Ralph. What made you become a railbird?
RALPH GRUBB: I don't know. I just like hanging out in cardrooms, I guess. Everybody in the joint knows me since I'm here at least 12 to 15 hours a day. Besides, it's better than working for a living and holding down a real job. It's easier to sponge money off other people than doing something constructive with my life.
DALLA: Doesn't hitting other people up for money all the time get old?
GRUBB: Hey, I'm good for it. I've borrowed money from like 16 different people in the last month. I even managed to pay two of them back -- that is, after they cornered me one night and threatened me with bodily harm. Those bastards. I couldn't believe how rude they were to me. I'll never borrow from those guys again. It was like they didn't trust me, or something. Another guy that I borrowed from over two years ago settled with me for 50 cents on the dollar. You know how it goes, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. He was thrilled to get his money. I like to make people happy.
DALLA: Why should anyone back you?
GRUBB: Are you freakin' kidding me? Most people don't realize it, but I'm a great poker player. They hold seats open for me and beg me to play in their games. If they see I've got a stake, someone will yell, "Hey Ralph, come on over, seat open!" I guess they want me to sit in the game since they might learn something from watching me play. But things have been kinda' tough lately. I've been on a bad run the last couple of years.
DALLA: The last couple of years? What do you mean?
GRUBB: Take, for example, what happened to me two nights ago. I was in a $2-4 holdem game and missed inside-straight draws like six times in a row! I mean, how can you possibly win at poker if you don't occasionally catch a miracle card? It was the damn dealer's fault. I swear -- some of those poker dealers really have it in for me. You want proof? Last night, I made a king-high flush. I kept raising the other player, who was a complete idiot. I raised him back and forth until all my money was in the pot. How in the hell was I supposed to know he had the ace-high flush? I swear, I'm so unlucky sometimes.
DALLA: It really does sound like you've taken some bad beats.
GRUBB: Bad beats! You don't know the half of it. Last weekend, I flopped a set and lost to a straight! Some dumb woman was drawing to an inside straight and got there on the end. Cost me a $150 pot. I tried to explain to the dumb broad that she played her hand all wrong, but she wouldn't listen to me. She just smiled at me as she stacked my chips. That really cheesed me off. That bitch.
DALLA: Ralph, I'm sure our readers would like to know -- what's an average day like for a railbird?
GRUBB: That all depends on when I decide to roll out of bed. On most days I sleep at least 'til noon. If I'm really tired, I might lay in bed 'til 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon --which is right when The Jerry Springer Show comes on. First thing I do is light up a smoke. Maybe two. I shave sometimes, but most days I don't worry about it. Why bother? As for clothes -- whatever t-shirt on the bathroom floor is the least wrinkled -- that's my wardrobe for the day. See, I had my electricity cut off last week. I've been a little low on cash lately, and when it came time to pay the bills this month, I had to get my priorities straight. A man's gotta' smoke and drink, ya' know.
DALLA: So, there's no electricity in your house right now?
GRUBB: My efficiency, you mean. Those dirty bastards at the electric company shut it off. It's not like I wasn't gonna pay the bill. Everybody falls behind a couple of months every now and then, right? They mail me these nasty letters from a collection agency, and I just ignore them. When bill collectors started calling my house, that was the last straw. I said "screw them." I'm not payin.'
DALLA: When do you get to the cardroom each day?
GRUBB: It depends on whether my car starts or not. It's an '82 AMC Matador -- you know, a classic. If the old Matador fires up and the fan belt isn't making too much noise, then I'll get to the cardroom in 15 minutes. If it doesn't start or the engine smokes too bad, then I have to rely on public transportation. That takes me at least a half-hour. Man, it's a drag riding the city bus with all those lowlifes.
DALLA: What's the first thing you do when you get to the cardroom?
GRUBB: First thing is to do a walk-through and see who's there. I want to see if there are players that I know. If I see someone that looks familiar with a big stack of chips, then I figure they're running pretty good and may want to help out a friend. So, I start a conversation with them and I pretend like I'm really interested in what they say. Most of the guys I approach are shy, so they ignore me. But I know they really want to talk -- more than play poker. I usually stand there until they give me a stake or the floorman is called over and asks me to leave.
DALLA: I understand you lost your job a while back. What happened?
GRUBB: They were jerking me around really bad. They asked me to start coming in on time and do some work. I got so fed up with the BS, that I had to call in sick for a whole week to get over it -- which really pissed my boss off. I hated wasting my sick days like that. I'd rather use them when there's some major poker tournament coming up. Then one morning, they called me and woke me up when I overslept, and that was the last straw. Damn jerks! Then and there, I decided to play poker for a living, you know just like the books say -- "Play Poker, Quit Work, and Sleep 'Til Noon." Just like a high-roller. So, I stormed into the boss' office about a week later and told him to stick it where the sun don't shine. You should have seen the look on his face.
DALLA: But what if things don't work out for you as a professional poker player?
GRUBB: I don't know. Gee, I never thought about that. I don't think they'll take me back at the plant. See, when I quit, I said some really nasty things about the boss to his face. On the other hand, I was "Employee of the Month" back in April of 1988. I set the record for selling the most plumbing fixtures in our region that month. Good thing my ex-brother-in-law was the contractor on that big construction project.
DALLA: How about your personal life. Are you married?
GRUBB: I was. But I'm divorced now. My old lady had some major issues to deal with. I came home from the cardroom late one night and all my stuff was sitting out in the middle of the front yard. She threw me out of the house and told me never to come back. That finally did it. I left her after that.
DALLA: What about kids?
GRUBB: Yeah, I've got a couple of kids. At least two that I know about anyway -- if you know what I mean (laughing). I got a 16-year-old boy who goes to high school, and the other is my 18-year-old daughter in community college. Or, is my daughter the 16-year-old in high school and my boy is 18? I don't remember exactly. I'm not real good with details. And the college my son goes to isn't really a college. It's more of a reform school.
DALLA: So, you're single again?
GRUBB: Yeah, but I like to keep a steady stable of girlfriends. I'm what you might call a "ladies man." The girls all love me here in the cardroom -- especially when I crack crude sexist jokes at the poker table. Man, I can really turn on the charm when I want to. I even bought a bottle of Old Spice after shave that seems to do the trick. When I walk in, the girls point, smile, and start whispering to each other. I can only imagine what they are saying about me.
DALLA: Let's get back to railbirding. I notice that you seem to eat pretty well. Do you eat most of your meals at the cardroom?
GRUBB: If it's free, yeah. I make it my mission in life to bug the hell out of the floorman for a comp ticket and sometimes they give me one just to get rid of me. I swear man, the staff here really sucks. The cocktail waitresses totally ignore me. I can't even get a drink sometimes. I tipped one of them dumb broads 50 cents for a couple of drinks last week and she doesn't even remember my name.
DALLA: Speaking of tipping, what is your policy on tipping dealers?
GRUBB: Tipping dealers! For what? Doing their jobs? They get paid to sit on their butts all day at a poker table and get to chatter away with the customers. How good a gig is that? Some of them make like $25,000 a year. Can you imagine what it's like to make that kind of money?
DALLA: Do you play other casino games, besides poker?
GRUBB: Absolutely! When I run bad at poker, I try and win it back somewhere else. Right now, I'm using a craps system I ordered through the mail. So far, I'm down a lot, but the law of averages says things have to turn around eventually. I heard it once referred to as "meat regression" -- something like that. Even if I lose, I can mail the system back to the post office box in Florida and get my money back. They said the craps system was 100 percent guaranteed. I'm not stupid. I also love to play the lottery and keno.
DALLA: What about sports betting?
GRUBB: I used to bet sports and the ponies. But I quit. All the games and races are fixed, you know.
DALLA: What about poker over the Internet?
GRUBB: What's the Internet?
DALLA: Uh, never mind. I see you standing up on the rail here almost every night. What exactly do you and your fellow railbirds talk about?
GRUBB: We tell bad beat stories, complain about our finances, whistle at women -- you know, the usual stuff. We also keep an eye on the games. Some of the players are so stupid. It's a miracle they have any money to play with. I guess they must have jobs, or something.
DALLA: What do you mean, the players are stupid? Give me an example of what you're talking about.
GRUBB: Like when I see players raising before the flop with aces and kings. I mean, how dumb is that? You're always supposed to slowplay aces and kings. If you raise, what are you gonna' do if everybody folds? I want to play my aces and kings against as many players as possible so I can win a big juicy pot.
DALLA: What else do you discuss along the rail?
GRUBB: Mostly, where to bum a stake. I try to find out who's coming into some money soon. Maybe he's got a rich relative who's sick and dying, or a big insurance settlement is coming. I try to get real tight with the guy. I know he'll let his good buddy hold a grand or two when he gets his stew. Share the wealth, you know.
DALLA: When's the best time to be a railbird?
GRUBB: The big tournaments are a gold mine. When a guy gets lucky and wins a bunch of money, I know I can hit him up when he's in a good mood. I try to act like I know them, you know, like we're best friends. I see their names and pictures in the magazines, so they are easy to pick out. Sometimes, one of them puts me in a tournament. Of course, I've never won anything, but it's just a matter of time before I make a big score.
DALLA: Well, I see that you are eager to get back to the rail, Ralph. Thank you for sharing your views with us.
GRUBB: Yeah sure. Hey wait, before you go…...see table 32 over there in the corner? I've got every one of those suckers pegged. They can't play worth a lick. Put me in and we'll cut up the money later tonight in the parking lot.
DALLA: No thanks, Ralph. Sorry.
GRUBB: Wait! See this watch? It's a genuine 100 percent Rolex! Let me hold a couple of hundred tonight and…….

Note: This is a fictional interview. Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental.

Nolan Dalla can be reached at: nolandalla@pokerpages.com