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City of Omaha Sues Poker Industry for Damages
By Nolan Dalla
(All Rights Reserved)

A typical, tight-fisted unpersonable, unresponsive Omaha "rock"

(UPI) OMAHA, NEBRASKA -- Community leaders and elected officials in Nebraska' largest city filed a $350 million class-action lawsuit against several major casinos yesterday. The complaint cites "irrevocable harm" to the image and business of the city. Defendants named in the civil lawsuit are Circus-Circus, Bally's Gaming., Trump. Inc., the Commerce Casino, Hollywoord Park, the Mirage, and a host of smaller casinos and cardrooms which spread Omaha High and Omaha High-Low Split poker games throughout the United States.

The lawsuit alleges that since the poker game "Omaha" became widespread in public cardrooms, people are reluctant to either visit or do business with the City of Omaha. The popular poker game is played using nine cards, in which the object of the game is to make the best five-card poker hand. The multiplicity of cards and card combinations means the game creates all kinds of "bad beats" and misery for regular players, resulting in what some Omaha residents say is a "tainted" perception of their city. The game has also been known to create divorces, bankruptcies, fits of rage, assaults, and suicides.

"Tourism here is down nearly 80 percent since Omaha poker became popular" according to an unnamed spokesman for the Omaha Convention and Visitors Bureau. "Last year, we thought we'd get the annual John Deere convention, but then they changed their minds and went to Chicago," according to the spokesman who did not wish to be identified. "Last October, we thought we'd host the National Tractor-Pull Finals down at the Civic Center, but when they opted for Las Vegas instead, that was the last straw!"

Omaha City Comptroller, Billie Kramer was equally disturbed. "I was on a plane flying and I when mentioned I was from Omaha, the man sitting net to me started swearing and telling me all kinds of bad beat stories. It was like he blamed me personally for his misfortune at the poker table. It was such an ugly scene, he was arrested by the Air Marshall."

Elected officials joined with community leaders from Central Nebraska Chamber of Commerce as Plaintiffs in the complicated legal matter. The lawsuit was filed in the Third District Court.

"These casinos have done a major wrong to Omaha," Mayor Willie Funderberg said in a Tuesday press conference from City Hall, announcing the class-action lawsuit.. "Today in this country, when you say 'Omaha,' no one thinks about corn-fed beef anymore. No one thinks about Marlin Perkins from the 'Mutual of Omaha' Wild Kingdom television show. Now, they all think of horror stories at the poker table brought on by elderly evil men who never talk -- unless they are grumbling to themselves or swearing at each other. It's time the casinos compensated us for our loss and mental anguish in destroying the good name of our fair city."

Felix Gold, CEO and President of Bally Gaming disagreed. The gaming industry has filed a $500 million counter-suit against the City of Omaha, citing loss of revenue inside the casinos because Omaha is dull and uninteresting. "Why couldn't we have named the poker game 'South Beach,' or 'Beverly Hills,' or 'Las Vegas' or something else? Why in the hell was it named after a dullard city in the Midwest no one gives a shit about?" Gold said.

Oddly enough a recent visit to Omaha found no games whatsoever being played inside the city limits. "Of course you are not going to find any Omaha games going on in Omaha," one local resident snapped when asked for an explanation. "If you go to Russia, do you think everyone there sits around and plays Russian Roulette? Well, it's the same thing with Omaha! We know the damage this game can do to peoples' lives!" After walking away in disgust, the local obese woman went back to devour her third slice of cheesecake.

The lawsuit has already began to generate repercussions across the country. According to preliminary reports, the State of Texas will soon file it's own class-action lawsuit against the casino industry, which is expected later this month. "I can't get into the matter at this time, but we are exploring all of our options," said Gov. Rupert Simms. "If Omaha's image was tarnished by that damn poker game because of the misery it has caused, the problems caused by Texas hold'em must be a hundred times worse."

At press time, there was no word yet from Burt Reynolds or Richard Gere if they plan to file suit against poker rooms that offer "stud."

Nolan Dalla can be reached at: nolandalla@pokerpages.com