Poker Articles

"You Play a Great Game of Poker, Fat Man..."
By David Hench
(All Rights Reserved)

It was a world class poker showdown in Lexington as the Ohio Gang took on the Kentucky Crew last week. They came from all over the Ohio Valley, for what became a marathon nine day session. 7-card stud was the game.

There'd been a lot of loose talk about which state has the best players, but the talk was over now. It was time to find out who's who. It started as a little $30-$60 border skirmish, but soon erupted into a full scale $75-$150 battle, with howitzers blazing.

The line-up for Kentucky was led by Poker Vic, Concrete Robby, Missy, Fast Freddie, Huey, Baker Street, Carl Ed, Big Doug, Godfather Ray, A Man Called Tubby, Jamie D, Cadillac Jack, and the Bardstown Boys. Representing the Buckeye State were "Old Hair," Frankie, the Barber, Legs and Son, Mad Mikey, Leo, and "Bust Big John." I defy the WWF to match this cast of characters.

"Shuffle up and deal" they cried, and the game was on. Now, sometimes they wait a while to start gambling, and sometimes it's wide open right from the start. Tonight, it's ram and jam right from jump street. They blind it, over blind it, play to the river in the dark, offer to trade hole cards, etc. etc. In short, a gamble-rama.

Maybe that sounds like an easy game to beat, right? Not so fast. There's the little problem of showing down the best hand. You don't just get a scary front porch and take the pot down, you have to EARN it. All of the usual outrageous outdraws and bad beats were registered, but there is one hand that I just have to tell you about.

Mad Mikey out of Dayton is low on a hand with a six up. He inadvertently throws his hole cards away, absent mindedly trying to fold - not realizing he has to bring it. But since his hole cards hit the muck, he is left with just a six up and no hole cards, having to bet the $25 "low." He goes ahead and throws a green chip in the pot, for the forced low bet. He gets four callers, but strangely, wasn't raised. The rule in this situation is he has to take a card. He busts out with two sixes, but remember now, he doesn't have any hole cards - and everybody knows it. He's high now AND HE BETS THE $150! Everybody looks around at each other, not sure if he is serious - but he was as serious as any man alive. He gets popped and Cadillac Jack calls the $300 cold.

Mikey, as God is my witness, with the two sixes and nothing else but a smile, re-raises it. Mikey then bets the hand all the way down against two apparent flush draws, gets raised on the river, calls it, and wins a $3500 pot with the two sixes and no help, and no hole cards. "Just deal my last one up too," he said, and the dealer put him on. Damndest thing I have ever seen. There were a lot of grizzled veterans at the table, but no one had seen anything quite like that before. Cadillac Jack, who had bluff/raised it on the end but got beat with a no-hole card hand, took a few thoughtful puffs on his Cuban imported cigar. "That's too good," he said, rising out of his chair, "I'm going down to Aunt Clineys, got to think."

Now Cadillac's a funny guy. "Aunt Cliney's" is a fictional place where he goes to regroup when the game is getting a little fast for him. He has a few moves himself, you understand. He's in the horse peddling (i.e. "con man") business. He once sold part interest in A Horse With No Name to the house man of this very game, in lieu of a $20,000 marker. Oddly, there were no papers on the horse, and no blood lines - just a lot of glowing talk about it. There was a rumor there was no horse at all, that it was a figment of Cadillac's imagination. But every day there was a new story about great workout times, jockeys praising the horse, trainers offering to syndicate it, etc. The story was so good, everybody just wanted to see how it would turn out, even though they didn't believe a word of it.

Push finally came to shove, and Cadillac had to produce the horse. So we all went over to Churchill Downs one night, and sure enough, right there in the five-hole was "Red Panty Hose," the mystery filly. Ray the house man had a beaming look of pride on his face such as I'll never forget, proud owner he was of such a promising and fine looking filly. Next thing we knew they were off, and don't you know the pretty filly had jumped plumb over the rail - and was dead on impact in the infield, rest in peace. Oh man, it was a nightmare.

"You call yourself a horseman?" Ray said to Cadillac.

"Bad beat, Ray," Jack replied.

"What about insurance?" Ray asked, now suspecting the worst.

Jack just shook his head. "Nope. And you owe up $8,000 for feed, partner," he said. Ray took it right in stride. "All right," he said as he counted out the $8000 in cash, "But deal around me on the next horse of the century," he said, and he walked off the track, just as dapper and as classic as any human being who ever lived.

It goes to show you: you got to be careful around gamblers. Which brings me back to the poker game. I won't bore you with stories of cards that fell and the hands from hell. Poker is more about people than about cards. The people that gravitate towards the gaming sub-culture are the interesting thing, not the odds or the hands. And these jokers from Ohio and Kentucky are hard to top, that's a guarantee. I'm gonna move to Vegas soon just to make sure there's nobody better than these guys, but I'm betting up front there ain't. If you can beat'em at this stop - you already know the rest - you can get off at any station.

Back at the game, it was business as usual. Only one star was left, though, for this session. He had played the whole nine days off and on, was up and down like a yo-yo, and had finally had enough. He brushed back, and for his last raise of the session, raised his 400 pound frame from the felt. One of gamings' classic moments was at hand. "You play a great game of poker, fat man," Ray said, as he cashed him out. "If you're ever in these parts again…" He let it trail off like that, and didn't even finish the sentence. He just looked up at him in mid-sentence and let everyone in the room fill in the rest of the sentence silently. It was classic. The quote from "The Hustler" hung in the air for a moment as all the players looked on. If there's ever a "Gaming Classic" channel on cable (like there's an ESPN Classic), it'll be for moments like this.

As far as the Ohio-Kentucky showdown goes, it was hard to know who won, both sides inflicted so much damage. They'll have to be a rematch. I make the Ohio Gang about a 6-to-5 chalk to get the money, but that's no hill for a bluegrass stepper. One thing's for sure: Horse stories (and horseman) are treacherous in these parts. They play poker like they play the ponies, and it ain't for amusement. That's why you got to be 21 to get in these joints. Everything's not always what it seems; there's some discernment involved. Gamble at your own risk.