Poker Articles

Poker Rest Home
By Dave Cinch
(All Rights Reserved)

One of the shysters from around our home game just invested in some property to open up a rest home for aging poker players. He goes by "Cadillac Jack," and he's a dandy.

He's been flimflamming for so long he don't even remember how to fly straight, or why anybody would. Back in his hometown of Morganfield, Kentucky, they say even when he was in kindergarten the lemonade stand he ran was crooked. They say he had three con games and a shell game going on at his stand, and two hijackers stationed around the corner just in case. From a young age, he was bound and determined to get his share of the money whatever it took, scruples be damned.

At an age when most of us were proud to be getting out of diapers, "Cadillac" already had a rep with the Kiddy Bunko Squads around Kentucky, Arkansas, and Tennessee. From such an ignominious start, he only got worse. Somehow, he always managed to stay one step ahead of the law, though. He ended up on easy street later in life, from a bunch of phony horse and diamond deals that would make a hardened grifter blush. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back when he was fresh out of high school, he matriculated to Fayetteville, Arkansas and the University of Arkansas, where his shenanigans earned him a one-way ticket out of town after one year. But what a year it was! As a member of the Razorback football team, "Cadillac" and an All-American teammate (and future NFL star) created a scandal by entertaining coeds in their dorm room after hours. This was in the days before loose women were routinely furnished to star athletes. They had a close call once when they had to lower one of the coed beauties out the window with tied-together bed sheets, with the campus police pounding on the door. When the door started to give way, "Cadillac" and his famous unnamed roommate dropped her stone cold into the bushes below. As a couple of southern gentlemen, "Cadillac" and his roomie never did give her up - never did besmirch her honor. All these years later, I can tell you she was one of the cheerleaders for their powerhouse football team. She earned her letter the old fashioned way.

Incidents like that were what started earning "Cadillac" his one-way ticket out of Fayetteville, but what really got him skidaddled was his snooker hustling. Every member of the football team, including the coaches, owed Jack considerable - and it was causing dissension. But it served them right for running Jack out of town, because the next year (1955) Arkansas was upset by Pepper Rodgers and Georgia Tech in the Cotton Bowl, 14-6. They never would have lost if they had still had "Cadillac." I know he could have stolen at least one touchdown, and bull&@#%ed his way to the two-point conversion. That would have put it in overtime, by my way of handicapping. From there, he probably would have bribed the refs with one of his favorite lures, either horses or diamonds - or maybe both. It would have been a piece of cake. I guarantee you there would be one more Cotton Bowl victory on the Razorback record if they hadn't run off old "Cadillac."

His roommate, whose impeccable reputation had been tarnished by his mere association with Jack, broke Jack's custom-made pool cue over his ass the day they ran him out of Fayetteville. So "Cadillac" transferred to Western Kentucky University, where he promptly started a Hold'em game for rich frat boys. "Cadillac" furnished the beer and the cards. Although he may not have gotten a degree during those tumultuous years, he sure as hell got an education. Make no mistake about that.

The poker gig was so sweet he stuck with it for life. "Deal a man some cards and offer him a drink, and you're in the money. Works every time," "Cadillac" would boast.

He ended up settling in Lexington, Kentucky, which was a blessing for some and a curse for others, depending on who you asked. There's lots of angles to be played in a state run on horses and whiskey. I can honestly say I don't think "Cadillac" missed a one of them. Then in the fall of 2002, about the time he was breaking ground on his Poker Rest Home, the "Seabiscuit" movie people came to town and bought a bunch of furniture for their set from Jack's antique store. They didn't even know it was hot! They thought it was a square deal. Can you imagine? People all over the Bluegrass got a kick out of that one.

It's a con a minute when old "Cadillac's" around, and you really can't blame him. A man is always true to his colors. He could no more help himself from hustling than George Washington could help himself from chopping down that cherry tree. A man has a destiny in life - a fate. He can no sooner escape it than a billy goat could escape eating tin cans or mooing at strangers. It's just in the cards for them; each is equally as helpless to resist his basic nature.

"Cadillac" always did have an easygoing and colorful manner about him, which helped his angle shooting along - and he could smell a sucker from 40 miles away. No bloodhound alive ever smelled out his prey like "Cadillac" But he didn't mean any harm to anyone, he was just doing the hustle. Just trying to make a living. His latest idea, as he approaches his golden years, is this rest home for habitual, degenerate poker players. He says there will be no rake, but you gotta have a note from your doctor confirming advanced symptoms of "old-timers" before you can play.

So it is, that "Cadillac's" last and best hustle might be his Poker Rest Home. I wouldn't mind having a piece of it myself. Every month on the 3rd when the government checks roll in, the game is on. Jack smiles like a schoolboy when he talks about it. "Cotton candy couldn't be any sweeter," he says.

I'll tell ya, you got your one-in-a-millions, and you got your one-of-a-kinds in life. This "Cadillac" is one-of-a-kind. You won't see another one like this walking down the street any time soon. If you're ever in Kentucky and hear about some horse or diamond deal that's too good to be true…RUN! It's just like in poker: If you can't see the sucker anywhere you look, it's because they're looking right at you. Truer words were never spoke. Be careful.