Player's Stories

"AFLAC"
By Dave Hench
(All Rights Reserved)

This week we're gonna review all the reasons your narrow ass might need to take out some insurance. First of all you'll need car insurance to get to and from the game safely. There's no sense going on the police blotter for things like no insurance, no license, and expired tags - like losers do. That's always embarrassing. Be legal on the road, and say "No" to being a flunky in life.

And get a homeowner's or renter's policy in case someone firebombs your pad after you bust them. It's been known to happen. You'll need a health policy as well to cover any unwelcome medical expenses. Make sure it's a small deductible because if you get a big one - say $5000 or so - I guaran-damn-tee you the bill will be exactly $5000 every time you walk into a hospital.

Now you're ready for my insurance advice as it pertains to gambling strategy. So here goes:

If you're playing blackjack and you're on tilt betting ten times or more your normal bet, if you get a blackjack against the dealer's ace - guess what? AFLAC! Insure that duke. Take the even money right now; don't even wait for the dealer to ask. Just yell "AFLAC" and reach over in the dealer's rack and take the damn chips.

In pot limit Omaha it's more complicated. Sometimes you need some insurance and sometimes you don't. If you've got the nuts in a monster pot with one card to go heads-up with some idiot who's lucky against you, tell the dealer to hold the deck. AFLAC! Especially if it's your case money, get some part-time wise guy to insure your hand so you'll have some chips left in case that sucker does what he was born to do - draw out on you and then give your chips to somebody else.

Insuring your hand in poker started getting a bad name a few years ago in Vegas, though. It was wising up the suckers and slowing the game down too much. So they started "running them twice" instead of holding the deck for a deal and some poor soul got beat twice by a two-outer on the double-river card. The sucker needed to catch one of two remaining kings and he caught it BOTH TIMES. You gotta love that. There aren't enough insurance companies in the United States to save you if you have that kind of luck. All you can do is keep your fingers crossed, live right, and search to high heaven for a supplemental bad beat policy. AFLAC!

While I'm on the subject, I wonder what frequent Vegas visitor and handsome movie actor Ben AFLAC (sic) would do if he and J. LO were playing blackjack in a casino and he bet ten times more than he could afford on a hand. (I wonder how much that would be, first of all.) Say he gets blackjack and is looking at a dealer's ace. He probably ought to just let it ride and not take the insurance. I hear he's a first rate George (big tipper) and a big draw in the casino, so they probably wouldn't pull any funny business on him. If he does happen to go broke - say he loses $80 or $90 million in a session - he and Matt Damon can always just get together for another blockbuster. There's plenty more where "Pearl Harbor," "Good Will Hunting," and the one where Santa robbed the casino ("Reindeer Games") came from. I was partial to all of those flicks. Anyway, the point is it's not like he really has to manage his money to stay in action. He doesn't need any insurance.

If he did end up with a big marker he couldn't handle, J. LO would probably cover it for him. I saw on the tube that she made $39 million in 2002 and knew who was gonna win the Super Bowl to boot (it was rumored she bet big on Tampa Bay on the money line). That's one hell of a couple, that Ben and Jen: they're number one in box office appeal, number one in pop music, number one in fashion, and number one in perfumery - all while handicapping the Super Bowl like Billy Walters. And easy on the eyes too. Have they got it made or what? Shirley (sic) they can make it through this little rough patch they're in. A breakup? Say it ain't so, Ben and Jen. Say you're gonna be Mr. and Mrs. AFLAC!

Man, I was thinking if J. LO staked me in Omaha for a couple months there's no telling what I could win. As it is, I'm left grinding out a measly nine or ten big bets per hour in the $20-$40 games, barely making a living. Oh, and offering tidbits of advice to my loyal readers. That's the sweet part - knowing there's so many people out there relying on me for gambling advice.

It'd be hard to imagine a better insurance policy than my column, after all. I should probably be charging premiums - maybe about $20 per reader or so. Send your Jacksons ($20 bills) in to my P.O. Box in a timely fashion every month and you're covered in case of gambler's ruin. If you go broke I'll pay out a lump sum. It'll be the first ever gambler's liability policy. Of course you got to prove you didn't play bad when you file your claim; that you weren't speeding or playing reckless. I'm my own claims specialist, so I don't like your spot on that one. But if you amass enough witnesses and petitioners to verify your story, you just might hit the jackpot with my company. Try the Megabucks jackpot first, though. The odds are better. AFLAC!