Joker Journal
By Dave Cinch
(All Rights Reserved)

Cinch Gone Wild Video

With all the how-to poker DVDs and videos coming out, I was brainstorming the other day about how maybe I could get in on the action. Since I'm not a world class player like a lot of guys who are putting these out, I needed an angle to make my video marketable.

Then I was watching the infomercials late one night when the "Girls Gone Wild" promo came on, and I had my angle. "I'll put my most controversial, cutting edge poker strategies in the video, show a little beefcake, and before long I'll be rolling in the cheese just like Phil Helmuth," I thought. Sounds like a sure hit, right?

But since I really don't have any poker secrets like all the pros do, I started wondering about ways to really sex it up, you know, to promote sales. I was gonna have myself getting a show all, Vegas-style, full service massage on the video, and tout it as a "well-being and calmness enhancer" before playing. But since I've got a little middle age spread going and I'm covered with hair from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet, I didn't want to subject myself to any potential derisive comments. Then I thought about maybe using a body double for the massage/love scenes, but couldn't afford anybody flattering enough.

What I came up with was a game of strip poker with a bunch of dolls playing and me dealing and announcing the action, using a lot of technical poker terms to analyze the play (like the viewers would really care once the birthday suits started breaking out). Just as a feeler, I put an ad on the internet for it and in one day I got 100,000 pre-orders at $29.99 a pop.

So I started filming it. Just my luck, right when the game really got rolling and all semblance of modesty was out the window, and my cameraman was filming to show it to the world, the vice squad kicked the door in and took us all downtown. I can't prove it, but I suspect some of the other poker video hawks, jealous of my record sales out of the gate, tipped off the police to put me out of business. All the girls got charged with "indecent gambling," and got a slap on the ass. Then the charges against them were dismissed.

They came down a little harder on me. I got nailed for promoting gambling, inciting mayhem, directing an adult-oriented film without a license, nude slavery (I wasn't paying much), and internet gaming racketeering. The public defender said I was looking at 80 years, with the nude slavery charge being the most serious. So I flashed a few $20 bills to this other esteemed mouthpiece, and he cut me a deal for a suspended sentence of 30 minutes. But I had to kick all the sales proceeds into the state coffers, file bankruptcy, change my name, and move to another state. "You got a deal," I said.

Those "Gone Wild" videos are fun to watch, but they sure bring the heat when you get into directing them. Maybe I'll just buy a few poker books, study them real good, and see if I can come up with a million dollar secret or two. Then I wouldn't have to resort to such cheap tactics to sell videos. I'm not sure how many more poker secrets there are, though. Let me know if you hear one. Maybe I'll try to use that instead of the steamy video idea. That would be more in keeping with the fine reputation for professionalism that I've spent half a lifetime building. I wouldn't want to give that up for a measly few million dollars in video sales. That's called a gamblers honor. Not that I don't step over the line occasionally and do something regrettable. But I always picture Johnny Moss, Doc Holliday and guys like that rolling over in their graves when a poker player truly loses his way and sinks to the depths of disreputable dealings (like producing a racy video under the guise of being a poker tutorial). So I'm not going to produce a poker video unless I actually find a secret. So far the only one I know is to play with suckers. The problem is when I found that one, I never even looked for another one. After all, when King Arthur found the Holy Grail he didn't go looking for another one, did he?