Poker Needs More Sponsors
By Kyle Swanson

It was with great delight that I watched the recent broadcast of the 2007 World Series Of Poker. In previous years I felt sad and somehow neglected as a consumer to see the gaping holes of potential commercialization on the WSOP and, unfortunately, all poker shows. This year, however, advertisers are beginning to step up and do their duty as members of the Poker Community. But let's face it: there is SO much more that they could be doing to fulfill poker's destiny as America's Game.

Yes, it's poker that is the true and proper choice as the glowing emblem of American gaming. What about baseball? Well, let's face it: when the Red Sox win two World Series in less than a decade, it's clearly time to hang up the spikes and move on to a game where money and luck play less of a role. And what better sport than poker? (Poker is clearly a sport; witness both the basketball skills of Joe Hachem and the fact that poker is so often on ESPN.) We've already got our own World Series, which will smooth the transition, and many of our finest players are already steroid-free, and possibly uncontaminated by a number of other illegal substances as well. We are here for one reason, and one reason only: to make as much money as possible, even when we don't win much (just like A-Rod). If that doesn't qualify poker as America's Game, what does?

It's the greenbacks that make the green felt so appealing to so many, and that's why I feel that the forward strides in this year's WSOP broadcast are only the beginning. As America's Game, poker needs sponsors, and lots of them. We have a few, but we are lollygagging. Sure, for a number of years we've had a sponsor's name printed underneath and sometimes over the flop. We've seen various poker sites advertised there, and now we have one of America's highest-quality chilled beverages, Milwaukee's Finest. It is indeed a feather in our cap to have a prominent sponsor of this magnitude, but it must be seen as just the start of what will surely be a long and proud heritage of making money by celebrating the efforts of those who are trying to take others' money. "The business of America is business," as Coolidge so wisely reminded us, and it is up to us to see that we in the Poker Community live up to the grandeur of that promise.

The noble efforts of some of our finest online poker sites to ensure their visibility during televised final tables should also be duly noted. Proudest among these sites is without a doubt Full Tilt Poker, who seem to have the sort of deep pockets that we poker players respect so much. Tales of bidding wars for players' hats and shirts before the final table became legendary this year, and those tales warmed my heart.

It is truly a measure of success and respect to have so many educational outlets vie for one's body space (keep in mind that all of these online sites are advertising their dot net services, wherein they educate us; do not confuse these sites with the same sponsors' gaming sites. There is no connection, and using your newly learned skills to gamble is NOT encouraged). But hey, hats and shirts? How 20th century! It's a lucrative new millennium, advertisers; there is so much more opportunity now.

Let's think outside the box here for a minute (or rather, let's enlarge the box, and then fill it with money. Now that's the kind of box we like to see!). For instance, many players like to riffle their chips, or scratch their heads while thinking. Why not simply tattoo your brand on their hands and fingers? Ten fingers, ten sponsors. Two backs of hands, two big billboards. Even the palm is fair game, partially visible when they look at their cards, good for a discount sponsor rate. And of course there's all that space on the forehead. In fact, that space is growing daily on many of our pros; why not tattoo under their hair so that when it finally recedes, your product will be the first to benefit? Gus Hansen has a clear lead on the field here, but many are gaining. The most valuable tattoo spot will of course be Hellmuth's tongue, due to its almost constant visibility.

Leaving any skin bare at all seems to me a breach of advertising ethics, and should perhaps be penalized. Tattoos are so wonderful because sometimes those sneaky TV cameras purposely avoid the garments of advertisers who do not also pay them, but they will have a hard time avoiding your entire tattooed body. Ray Bradbury's Illustrated Man can serve as an excellent progenitor for this technique. "Waste not, want not" should be our motto.

It's also a shame that we have yet to monetize each specific hand. Two aces could easily be McDonnell-Douglas Pocket Rockets, or maybe the Winchester Bullets. Two Queens could be the GirlOnGirl.net hand (for educational purposes only). For those who lean in the other direction, the old SF waiter, Q-3, could lead into an ad for a movie like Brokeback Mountain ("I can't quit you...but I'll be right back with your coffee, hon!"). There is so much new territory here. We are losing millions every day because this isn't happening.

The most vital new development of them all leaves me with great hope for our future, though, as a game and a nation and maybe as a species. I refer of course to the sheer genius of the Degree All-In Moment. I salute the mastermind who came up with this concept. Now we're monetizing! But this is such a piddling start. Only one moment? There are so very many moments in poker, and life itself, for that matter (assuming there is life outside of poker, that is). Let's examine this historic concept in depth for a moment. A soon-to-be-sponsored In-Depth Moment, for educational purposes only.

As any guy knows, sometimes all that sitting creates itchiness down yonder. What a waste when a player reaches down and adjusts himself and there is not a logo in sight. This could and should be The Johnson's Baby Powder Sack-Scratch Moment. For women, it could be the Gillette Fusion Moment. But that's just the tip of the commercial iceberg; the real money is in capitalizing on the carefully-cultivated images of the players.

No one is more aware of selling himself at all times than the Mouth of Hell himself, so he's a likely candidate to start the trend. Picture this: Phil makes another perfect play, but is foiled by some idiot moving in on him with a set of aces (this is all on the TantrumCam, of course). Our hero suddenly turns to face the camera and says, "Folks, this moron can't even spell 'poker'...but I can sure spell 'Xanax'!" Smiling, he holds up a little pill and pops it proudly. "My wife is a psychiatrist and she prescribed these for me, but you can get a free month's supply on my website. Just enter the code: "Poker Zombie". That's P-O-K-E-R Z-O-M-B-I-E. I know most of you can't spell as good like me; we can't all be geniuses. But we can all relax and let the donkeys keep on donkin'...as long as we've got our Hellmuth Xanax Moment!"

There are myriad possibilities here, and some Moments are obvious. The Farha Nicotine Moment could be sponsored by any of our noble tobacco firms, and if he actually lights one and begins to cough up a lung, that's a perfect Chemo Moment. Annie Duke is clearly ready to market herself to the hilt, judging by her recent makeover (a sort of poker vampirella look...Pokerella?); she'll soon be a good candidate for the Annie Duke Botox Moment. Picture her sitting there, face frozen, as she holds up a sign: "No one can read my face because it hasn't moved in three weeks. Try Botox today...it's the poker players' shot of choice!"

An instant classic would be the Scotty Nguyen Pampers Moment. "Sometime the card come wrong and you lose, then you wanna crap your pant, baby. They go all-in and it come all out. But every baby should alway be clean...that's why you use Pamper, baby!" This would make a nice promotional tie-in with Doyle's latest. He looks up from under his hat very seriously at the camera as four players push all their chips in. "You know folks, sometimes the game is just so darn good you can't afford to leave for even a moment. That's why this is a Doyle's Depends Moment. When you're stuck in the same seat for a week playing Johnny Moss, believe me, you're gonna love them Doyle's Depends Moments."

Stu Ungar is gone, but perhaps during some highlights we could enjoy a Stuey Vicks Inhaler Moment. When Mike the Mouth shows up, it's a Matusow Earplugs Moment (or you could link him to the Stuey moment). When Phil Ivey's eyes pop out, it's time for the Ivey Visine Moment. When Humberto brings the shark out, it's a Brenes Chloroform Moment. The Sam Grizzle Preparation-H Moment speaks for itself. The Greg Raymer Jack In The Box Moment is a clear winner---"When fossils won't fill you up, get the meat that should be on those bones. Nothing beats a JIB moment...unless it's a four double-cheese Jacks Moment!" Even Hollywood stars might have their own moments: "I can't remember, John....no wait, I can, thanks to this Matt Damon Ginkgo Moment!"

Everyone's least favorite poker moment makes a great tie-in to the Moment that started it all. The All-In Moment can only be logically followed by the America's Cash Advance Moment. "We'll help you get to the NEXT All-In Moment as fast as possible! Only three hundred percent a year; you'll hardly notice it next to the rake you're paying!"

By now it's clear that poker is woefully under-sponsored. And what's with three minutes of poker, three minutes of ads? Let's get really profitable, and have each card of the flop followed by an ad. One minute of poker, five minutes of ads, then back to the table and players, both covered with ads. Now THAT is the future of poker!

And seriously, how am I even allowed to use the word 'poker' (did I spell that right, Phil?) without paying royalties? Somebody better copyright that word, and fast! Poker™ (all rights reserved, copyright Kyle Swanson 2007) sounds a lot more profitable to me.

The present lack of imagination in poker marketing is disturbing; so much remains to be marketed. The back of each card could feature a different sponsor. When the cards are turned to reveal two kings, the faces could come to life and announce the latest TV series about two ax-murderers who also flip lofts in Manhattan. And why not a little scrolling electronic billboard on a forehead? A new sponsor every few seconds! It's this sort of short-sighted, money-hungry but not money-voracious attitude that is letting all of us in the Poker Community down these days.

There is so much more money to be made from Poker™. We are all bright people. We need to focus on what really matters, and get on it today.

For educational purposes only

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