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The Local Losers
By Michael Wiesenberg

They call themselves the locals, and look with disdain upon those other players they call the tourists, but we can give them another six-letter name that shares half the same letters, the losers. They're the lowlifes among the lowrollers, distinguished primarily for shooting theselves in the feet.

They play in the smaller games either because they haven't the talent to move up, or they've busted out of the bigger games. They seem to think they're the only ones who know how to play whatever game they're in. When they're not in a hand, they bore anyone who'll listen--and if no one appears to pay attention, anyone who happens to be near--with tales of clever plays they've made, how they've outplayed the players whose names everyone knows in the biggest games. When they are in a hand, if they lose to a tourist, they give the tourist a lecture about how badly the tourist played the hand. "How could you chase all the way to the end when there were only two cards in the deck that could beat my hand? What'd you think I was betting on? Yeah, well I love it. Keep up that kind of playing and I'll have all your chips before long."

Did you ever notice that it's usually the loser of a pot who gives a lecture to the winner? That when a local wins a hand, he rarely lectures the loser?

They whine about their bad luck when they're losing. They throw cards. They blame the dealer, the other players, the seat they're in, the particular establishment they're in ("I don't know why I come in this lousy joint; I haven't won a penny in here in months, and on top of that, they never comp me even though I lose more than most of the high rollers")--anything but where the opprobrium should come to roost, their own bad play. They ask for a deck change every few hands. And when they finally do get even, they either get up and lobby but leave their chips tying up the seat for as long as they can get away with it, or show no courtesy to the place they think owes them a living by leaving the minute the game gets short.

Fortunately only a small percentage of locals act this way. Unfortunately, these few are loud enough that they tar the whole group with the same brush. And that is how they shoot themselves in the feet. Say a tourist calls down every bet in a hold 'em game with nothing against a local who flopped aces and kings, and the tourist catches running deuces, having started with the traditional deuce-seven offsuit, but he thought he'd "play his rush" because he won the last three pots with similar garbage, and, as he put it earlier, "You experts just play the high cards, so I thought since I'm no expert, I'd have a better chance with low cards." Now one of the better-mannered locals would have the good sense just to say, "Good hand; you sure have been lucky with those little cards," knowing he'll keep playing them, and give back all those chips when the cards start breaking even. But the guy who's steaming after losing that pot has to give the tourist the aforementioned lecture. So what happens? Several possibilities:

• The tourist thinks, "Hmm, maybe he's right; maybe I shouldn't play these rotten cards. Maybe I just got lucky, and I'll be more likely to win if I play good cards." He tightens up, and the local has a much tougher time beating him. In fact, the local loser doesn't notice that the tourist has quit throwing away his money, and gives the tourist too much action, thereby giving away whatever edge he had over the tourist.

• As a slight variation, the tourist thinks, "Hmm, every time I play little cards and win, this guy yells at me. That's embarrassing. I don't like being embarrassed in front of these nice people, so I'm not going to play those cards anymore." Just as for the other reason, he tightens up and makes it much harder for the local to win.

• The tourist thinks, "This game isn't fun anymore, not with this guy lecturing me all the time; I'm going to go over to the craps table where people don't yell at you about how you play." Pretty soon the local can look around the table and all he sees is other losers just like himself. No tourists giving away all those lovely chips. He can yell at the other locals, but he won't beat them out of much.

• The tourist grins, keeps on playing the rush, and busts the local. (This is the least likely.)

You know what the bottom line is, folks. Treat them nicely, or they won't give you their money because either they won't play with you or they won't give you any action. "You can catch more flies..."

© 2000 Michael Wiesenberg

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